June 22, 2000

Who wants to host 'Monday Night Football'?

By ROGER ANDERSON Scripps Howard News Service

As ABC prepared to unveil its brand-new lineup of commentators for the upcoming season of "Monday Night Football," rumors ran rampant that right-wing radio broadcaster and self-styled funny guy Rush Limbaugh would be among those tapped.

As it turned out, however, the network apparently decided on the half-measure of instead hiring Dennis Miller, an ex-"Saturday Night Live" humorist whose career ups and downs have been legion.

The philosophy behind an overall plan of this nature might be summarized in one sentence: If the viewing public will put up with someone as flagrantly obnoxious as Howard Cosell for years on end, Miller will go down like an oyster. Limbaugh, on the other hand, might have stuck in a craw or two.

Of course, the concept of hiring reactionaries and-or comedians to act as TV sports hosts has a long pedigree. Many older people will recall that back during the Spanish Inquisition, ABC got George Jessel to provide color on "Monday Night Disembowelings."

Possibly, the folks at ABC felt an altruistic desire to insert sound, old-fashioned American values into their widely watched telecast. Thinking that William F. Buckley might misfire with the younger demographic, they gave some thought to Limbaugh before thinking better of the idea entirely and going with Miller.

Next time, here are some provocative non-sports experts ABC might consider for the lineup:

- Morton Downey Jr. The confrontational TV host of yore hasn't had a good, solid paycheck in some time. A condition of his employment, however, should be that he learn how to draw swastikas on his face without the aid of airport-bathroom mirrors.

- Jerry Springer. He could invite the players' wives and girlfriends on the air to talk about their infidelities and plans for divorce during halftime, significantly increasing the game's dramatic tension. 

- Jerry Falwell. As a color commentator, he would be the perfect guy to say authoritatively just which players are going to Hell and why.

- Joey Buttafuoco. The other broadcasters could snicker every time his last name came up.

- Kathie Lee Gifford. She always gets onto these facetious lists, and we see no reason this one should be different. Also, her husband reportedly knows something about the game.

Roger Anderson is arts and entertainment editor at Scripps Howard News Service.

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